Technology

This blog post is bought to you via my iPhone! That's right, I have succumbed to peer pressure and purchased the phone that can do everything except make me a cup of tea or cure age induced hangovers. Although I'm sure the clever bods in technology towers are already busily beavering away to make those particular changes to subsequent models. Imagine, one day we may be able to pick up the iPhone and say "I'd like a cup of tea" and it'll speak to the kettle who will brew you your tea and pour it into a flying cup that will materialise by your bedside without you having to move a muscle. Some people have this already. They're called partners or boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives or just oi you. These are the unlucky ones. Yes that's right I think I'm lucky even though I bitch about being single sometimes but if I give it some clear and rational thought, not something I do often as it forces me into the realms of reality, I can see the following plus points of my situation.
1. I can fart really loudly in bed and the only person to give me dirty looks is the dog and lets face it, his farts are sometimes way worse.
2. I can eat cookies in bed. And cake and pizza and cheese and crackers if I want and there's no one to complain about crumbs in the bed sheets.
3. I can go out, get absolutely trolleyed and chat to anyone I like without anyone getting all possessive and jealous and threatening to punch someone's lights out or crying because "I don't love them any more".
4. I can go out and get absolutely trolleyed without telling anyone what time I'm going to come home or where I've been.
5. I don't have to wash anyone else's stinky underpants or explain to them why I don't iron anything. Ever.
6. I can talk to the dog and the cat and occasionally the snakes and spider without anyone thinking I'm a weirdo. They make better secret keepers too.
7. I don't have to do the washing up if I don't want to. Or any cleaning come to that. If I want to live in a pigsty, that's my choice. Although once you run out of plates it would be handy to have a washing up fairy to come and do the dishes for me.
8. No one nicks the duvet covers from me or thinks its funny to Dutch oven me.
9. I don't have to worry about what anyone else wants for dinner. If I want weetabix for supper that's up to me. Or pasta. (one boyf didn't like pasta. What's up with that?!)
10. I don't have to put up with anyone snoring or being all space invader in my bed. I can starfish all over that bad boy if I want.
11. I can watch what I want on telly when I want. None of this compromise shit. "ok darling, you can watch robot wars if I can watch come dine with me" No fricking way! I'll watch clueless on a loop all day if I want, don't like it? Go home.
12. I can play my guitar without anyone interrupting me asking what song it is or could you turn it down please.
13. When I go to bed, the house is silent. There's no sounds of the late night movie or rustling of crisp packets to keep me awake.
14. I don't have to shave anything if I don't want to.
15. My toilet seat is always down.
16. There is NEVER any pee around my toilet. As a girl, I sit and my aim is perfect.
17. I can spend what I like on shoes/hats/hairstyles without having to justify it to anyone.
18. My parents never ask me when they can expect grand kids.
19. I don't have to put up with people I don't particularly like in my house. If they are there, it's because I like them and I have invited them not because the boyfriend thinks they are cool because they know all the cheats to call of duty.
20. There is no call of duty in my house. Or skyrim or any other crappy computer game that isn't guitar hero or singstar.
21. There is no bargaining of household chores. "I'll take out the rubbish if you give me a blow job". I'll do it myself and I don't have to put your cock in my mouth.
I think that covers most things. Let me know if I've missed anything. Or if you have any counter arguments for cohabitation. I'd be interested to hear them.
Laters.
Did I mention this is from my iPhone?, Sweet!!