Thursday, December 29, 2011

Sea sickness

At the time of writing this I am on the ferry back to blighty. Usually the journey is pretty uneventful, we get on, I park the car, get a ham and cheese toastie and sit in my seat reading for the next four hours. Pretty nice. However, this time I feel like I am trapped in the seventh circle of hell. The sea feels like it seven feet tall, we are being buffeted by waves that make the inside of the cabin feel like a car wash. Now usually this wouldn't bother me at all. I'd just hunker down in my seat, grit my teeth and pray that the contents of my stomach stay where they're supposed to. However, this time I have the incredible misfortune to be sitting very near to someone who is hueying quite spectacularly. They're not sat next to me thank god or else that really would be it, I hate vomit with a passion and usually the sight and smell of it is enough to set me off on my own bout of chunk blowing
But they are close enough that I can hear them and I am having to concentrate very hard not to join them in ralph tastic unison. It's not that they're being sick, or should I say they're not just being sick, they are making an epic full blown four course meal out of it. The girl in front of me used her sick bag like a good little passenger, wiped her mouth daintily and carried on looking like a tragic 1940s war widow without any if the fanfare that the bloke behind me is partaking in. He is making sure everyone from here to France knows he is being sick.
"I'M VOMITING!!!! SOMEONE ALERT THE PRESIDENT!!!" I really wish I could record it because I am so not doing him justice. He's actually making me look like a crazy person because in order to not think about and and therefore not vomit myself, I have to stick my fingers in my ears, screw my eyes up tight and either sing counting crows songs to myself or recite all the bones in the body from toe to head. I hope he gets off in guernsey.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Madmess: Pirate party brigade

Madmess: Pirate party brigade: Just interviewed these guys for Aprils edition of Gallery magazine and they have a song out for Christmas number one. So, how about giving i...

Pirate party brigade

Just interviewed these guys for Aprils edition of Gallery magazine and they have a song out for Christmas number one. So, how about giving it a listen, downloading it from i tunes or Amazon and getting someone worthwhile at the top for Christmas number one instead of X-factor (ew), some generic picked at random re-hashed Nirvana song (OK Nirvana are great but give someone else a turn now eh?) or the military wives (Don't they have some baking or sewing to do?)
Oh and the money raised from this goes to charity. Pretty cool huh?

Buy it!! Buy it now!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Hooray for Alan pollock

If you haven't seen the news he's the guy who threw a fare dodger off the train. And fair play to him. The train was stuck in the station making everyone cranky while the conductor tried to get the guy to pay or piss off and the twatty freeloader starts giving him abuse. People are sat there with their kids while this guy paints the air blue with his offensive language, one guy was even going to pay for his ticket until he started gobbing off at which point he started filming him instead. Now I'm not saying that I've never bunked a train cos we've all done it. It's just if you're doing something that you know to be wrong and you get caught, the decent thing to do is say "alright, fair cop I'm busted" not start spouting off at some poor guy a couple of years off retirement age who is just doing the job that he's paid to do. The decent thing to do would have been to just get off the train and bunk the next one if you didn't have any money. Or just pay the fare? I'm assuming that as a student he's had quite a few taxpayer dollars to play with which I'm also assuming should be used to get a student railcard. Twat face fare dodger claims that although he had been drinking, he wasn't drunk and that he is diabetic and hadn't eaten or taken his insulin which had affected his mood. This just makes him an even bigger cunt as far as I'm concerned. He has an illness which is controlled by food and insulin, which he knows is controlled by food and insulin and yet he decided not to take any notice of his doctors advice because obviously the twatty little scrote bag knows best and would love to waste yet more of the tax payers hard earned cash and further over stretching the nhs by giving himself hypoglycaemia. Either that or he's lying in order to garner more sympathy and disguise the fact that he's a twatty little scrote bag. Let's hope the British public has some common sense on this one and doesn't succumb to the bleeding heart liberals who are trying to prosecute Alan pollock for doing what we should all have the courage to do, stand up for what is right. Unfortunately as the video shows when one passenger can be heard saying "there's no need for that" in this litigious age where murderers get given safari holidays the likely outcome is that Alan will charged with some violation of twatty little scrote bags human rights. Well I for one support Alan, how many others do I wonder?

Monday, December 5, 2011


This blog post is bought to you via my iPhone! That's right, I have succumbed to peer pressure and purchased the phone that can do everything except make me a cup of tea or cure age induced hangovers. Although I'm sure the clever bods in technology towers are already busily beavering away to make those particular changes to subsequent models. Imagine, one day we may be able to pick up the iPhone and say "I'd like a cup of tea" and it'll speak to the kettle who will brew you your tea and pour it into a flying cup that will materialise by your bedside without you having to move a muscle. Some people have this already. They're called partners or boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives or just oi you. These are the unlucky ones. Yes that's right I think I'm lucky even though I bitch about being single sometimes but if I give it some clear and rational thought, not something I do often as it forces me into the realms of reality, I can see the following plus points of my situation.
1. I can fart really loudly in bed and the only person to give me dirty looks is the dog and lets face it, his farts are sometimes way worse.
2. I can eat cookies in bed. And cake and pizza and cheese and crackers if I want and there's no one to complain about crumbs in the bed sheets.
3. I can go out, get absolutely trolleyed and chat to anyone I like without anyone getting all possessive and jealous and threatening to punch someone's lights out or crying because "I don't love them any more".
4. I can go out and get absolutely trolleyed without telling anyone what time I'm going to come home or where I've been.
5. I don't have to wash anyone else's stinky underpants or explain to them why I don't iron anything. Ever.
6. I can talk to the dog and the cat and occasionally the snakes and spider without anyone thinking I'm a weirdo. They make better secret keepers too.
7. I don't have to do the washing up if I don't want to. Or any cleaning come to that. If I want to live in a pigsty, that's my choice. Although once you run out of plates it would be handy to have a washing up fairy to come and do the dishes for me.
8. No one nicks the duvet covers from me or thinks its funny to Dutch oven me.
9. I don't have to worry about what anyone else wants for dinner. If I want weetabix for supper that's up to me. Or pasta. (one boyf didn't like pasta. What's up with that?!)
10. I don't have to put up with anyone snoring or being all space invader in my bed. I can starfish all over that bad boy if I want.
11. I can watch what I want on telly when I want. None of this compromise shit. "ok darling, you can watch robot wars if I can watch come dine with me" No fricking way! I'll watch clueless on a loop all day if I want, don't like it? Go home.
12. I can play my guitar without anyone interrupting me asking what song it is or could you turn it down please.
13. When I go to bed, the house is silent. There's no sounds of the late night movie or rustling of crisp packets to keep me awake.
14. I don't have to shave anything if I don't want to.
15. My toilet seat is always down.
16. There is NEVER any pee around my toilet. As a girl, I sit and my aim is perfect.
17. I can spend what I like on shoes/hats/hairstyles without having to justify it to anyone.
18. My parents never ask me when they can expect grand kids.
19. I don't have to put up with people I don't particularly like in my house. If they are there, it's because I like them and I have invited them not because the boyfriend thinks they are cool because they know all the cheats to call of duty.
20. There is no call of duty in my house. Or skyrim or any other crappy computer game that isn't guitar hero or singstar.
21. There is no bargaining of household chores. "I'll take out the rubbish if you give me a blow job". I'll do it myself and I don't have to put your cock in my mouth.
I think that covers most things. Let me know if I've missed anything. Or if you have any counter arguments for cohabitation. I'd be interested to hear them.
Did I mention this is from my iPhone?, Sweet!!