Thursday, June 23, 2011

Ode to what??

This song is never played at open mic nights because it's just too embarrassing! It was written in response to listening to everyone singing about how great their boy/girl friends are and I thought "well, I can't do that cos I don't have one" and I remembered a writing workshop I went on once where we had to write an ode to something  normal so I just took that one step further and wrote this. I'm not going to tell you what it's an ode to, I'm pretty sure you're all clever people and can figure it out yourselves.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Dating hell- a Katy Perry parody.

This song came about after a series of very bad dating experiences. My friend was raving about a well known dating website and said "ooo why don't you have a go, what have you got to lose?"

 My self respect and faith in human kind apparently but hindsight is a wonderful thing and like a lamb to the slaughter I created a profile that was both honest and engaging for that is me! Ha! No, really. Anyways, I got a few responses and being the polite well mannered person that I am, I answered them all even if it was to say "No thanks, I really don't feel like tying you up in bondage gear or meeting in a secluded car park in the New Forest and no, I don't have my own ball gag" but it's the ones who made it past the initial screening process that freaked me out. The fact that they can appear so normal (well, normal-ish) and then turn out to be crazier than Norman Bates on acid!
I mean, I'm a tolerant person but seriously, what person in their right mind thinks it's OK to ask a veterinary nurse if she's ever had sex with her own dog? Or say that she really should try it and they would love to join in? Who does that??!!

I mean weird sex is OK, who doesn't like the odd bit of spanking and a bit of damsel in distress tied to the bed post action but doggy sex? No freaking way. He tried to back out of it, say he was joking but even so, you don't joke about that with someone you have only just met.

There was another guy who was really sweet but he was in his late forties and was obsessed with his motor bike. He messaged me every day asking how my day was, what I had done and if I had any plans for the evening and I thought "Aw bless, he's just lonely and wants to talk" but jeez did he go on and on about his motorbike! I know nothing about motorbikes so my questions and interest in it ran out after "what colour is it and is it a Harley?" That's it. That's the extent of my knowledge on the subject. At one point I thought he was going to tell me he was one of those guys who put padding around the exhaust pipe and called the bike Miranda.

Then came the guy who seemed OK at first, we'd exchanged a couple of messages and then he came out with "Do you fuck on the first date?"
Bit shocked but I thought "OK at least he knows what he wants from the experience" so I politely told him that no, I don't remove any bits of clothing on the first date apart from my cardigan if I get too hot or my shoes if you take me bowling so he then asked "what about make a video of giving a blow job?"


I won't take my clothes off on a first date but yeah, stick the camcorder on, whip your cock out and let the good times roll!! WTF!? I like to think he was just kidding but the dark place in my heart tells me that no, these people are actually out there and he really didn't think that filming me giving him a blow job was that big a deal.

Then there was the guy who actually bought his sister on our first meeting. I'm all for being safe when meeting strangers but she was fifteen. He bought her a glass of coke and we sat in the pub garden under her watchful gaze for about 20 minutes (the time it takes to finish a pint) and then oh no, what do you know? I had a family emergency that I had to leave for right away. I figured he'd understand seeing as he was obviously close to his family.

There was the guy who was married but it was OK, his wife dated other people and if I was up for it, all three of us could go on a date (???), then there was the guy who was still living with his ex and sharing a single bed because she had no where else to go.

Looking back on it, I'm amazed that I left my profile on there for as long as I did but I guess I really wanted to believe that yes there are weirdos out there but I can't be a beacon for all of them? Surely one of them must be a decent person with no extreme love for animals (a love of animals is OK but let them lick themselves!) someone who wants to get to know a person, who's not out to just get laid or recruit cheap labour for an adult film. Turns out, I really am a magnet for the disturbed so it looks like I really will have to buy a dozen more cats and snakes, stop washing and piss myself every now and then and become the crazy cat lady.

A note about this song; I recorded this when I was very hungover and using my phone so the quality is not amazing but it's the words that are important. Enjoy. xoxox